Losing Time

Hi, it is nearing the end of 2015 and I'm back. October seems like for. eh. ver. ago, more than a year, because so much has happened for us! It is so strange and surreal to think of where we were a year ago. A year ago we were packed into a carload of stuff traveling hotel to hotel in Louisiana as Chris worked. A year ago my little Sutton had barely taken her first steps. A year ago I was stuck in a storm of negativity, fighting really hard to be happy. A lot can happen in a year. And a lot  has happened in the past year.

As a couple, and as a family, we have grown infinitely. As an individual, I have grown infinitely. I'm happy. I'm happy! Making the move to California has been one of the best decisions we have ever made. We were scared; doubling your cost of living is SCARY! But we know we won't be here forever, and we have begun to enjoy every second we can here. We laugh, and play, and go on adventures! We did these things before, in Arizona, but I think because I was struggling so hard to be happy it put a strain on all of us. I felt stuck, and like there was an ugly gray cloud always looming overhead.


Here, in California, I am learning to let go! I know I get over emotionally invested in situations and relationships very easily/quickly,  and I've begun to stop over analyzing so much. I don't need to be best friends with everyone,  I don't need to be effected by anyone else's lives, and I don't need to expect anyone to respect or consider my feelings in their decisions. I'm totally empathetic and feel all the feels vicariously, and it takes a couple deep breaths for me to mellow out and remember that not everyone thinks and sees things the way I do! And that is completely okay. Live and let live! I know that it's supposed to be a strength for me, a positive trait, I just have to figure out how to utilize it.

Mama Diaries Part 2

I don't really know when I became the jealous type, but I totally am. I notice it often lately and am struggling to control it. There are so many moments where I catch myself in envy of another moms' attitude towards her kids (in public), her self confidence, or her pricey (perfectly flattering) clothes and baby gear. Its daunting. And I hate it. I can't keep up, and honestly I don't have a huge desire to own 90% of the trendy baby crap out there- but I start to feel (foolishly) as though these fellow mamas won't want to befriend me if I'm not on par with their... trendiness. I know moms can be judgey of other moms (guilty, workin on it)- on everything from their THINGS to their parenting style.  I came across an article the other day about "competitive parenting" and I was so relieved to find myself not a lone in such ugly feelings! I mean, it's not a good thing to feel or be a part of, but it's easier to overcome the negativity when you aren't alone. Being a mother (or parent in general) is really REALLY hard, we should be encouraging other mamas. We should be confidants for one another, sincere friends, why is that so hard? We all have blessings to rejoice and trials to overcome.. Both of those are more enjoyable (or easier) when we have cheerleaders.. The more the merrier, right? I'm trying, hard, to change my mindset and be an authentically enthusiastic cheerleader for the mamas- and future mamas- around me. I can't make anyone like me or want to be my bff, but that's no reason to be cruel. It's basically a mid/end-of-the-year resolution.... That's a thing.

Baby Nostalgia

I recently made photo books with the pictures from both of my deliveries (and some after pictures), so obviously seeing my sweetest tiny babies made me yearn. It's total baby hunger... But not. I think nostalgia is a better definition of it: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations. I just miss MY babies. I want them little and yummy and unable to slap or yell at me....!

I love love love watching them grow up. Their funny personalities, crazy little tempers, and amazingly perfect faces. It's all so overwhelmingly amazing and I just want it to slow down! I can't take enough to pictures to remember the scrunchy nose face Sutton has been giving me or the goofy "shuper powerrrr" stance Everett just learned. I feel like I can't blink or they'll be grown ups!

Chris and I have yet to agree on whether there will EVER be a third Baker babe.. One day he's possibly, maybe interested in the THOUGHT of another- and that turns out to be the day I hate kids (kidding, ish). The days I mention a maaaybe future baby plan- he is so against it he just laughs. Pregnancy was very hard for me, both mentally and physically.. and postpartum is even harder. So maybe it's not in the cards, who knows. We've got time to pray and talk and make whatever decision is best for our family. Our only job right now is to enjoy our two little monsters while they're still little ☺️

Bitter Betty

Over the last year I have gone through tons of changes. While they have all been an overall benefit to my life- and therefore the lives of my family- there are many bittersweet moments. As I watched some of my friendships/relationships dissipate I see how much I have grown and I feel so grateful for even the difficult moments.. for the grief I had to endure. Being a grownup is rough, being a parent is rough, and not having a "life team" who is supportive, loyal, and understanding makes it all so incredibly difficult. You have to make decisions in times and places you never imagined you'd have to, and that sucks. It can be easy to feel defeated when it seems as though there are endless days of struggles, but it's not over. There will be worse trials, more ecstatic victories, and tears to fill in all the cracks. I love finding inspirational quotes on pinterest. I end up on some awesome blogs with free printable (beautifully designed) quotes, which is always fun. I found this one somewhere along the way and it gave me a good shove in the right direction. "The best is yet to come" also comes to mind. I'm constantly reminding myself to seek the good in others as well as myself, even at times when they seemingly don't deserve it.. or when I am racking my brain to figure out what mistakes I could've made. Believing that Heavenly Father is on your side and giving you chances to move past the negatively impacting parts of your life (whether you see them as such, or not) is a HUGE reassurance. Who doesn't love/need reassurance? |photo credit here|

Baby Blues and Beyond

Genie, Peter Pan, and Mrs. Doubtfire... are gone. Three of the countless characters Robin Williams made us laugh with. I have read some controversial articles from either side of the depression/suicide debate. There are those that have really, really been there and can fathom the demons he might've dealt with in his final minutes/hours/days (me)... and there are those that believe suicide is a "selfish choice" and are speaking more for anyone hurting from the aftermath (Chris). Because I have struggled with depression seriously forever, I am inclined to agree with the first group. But Chris has helped me understand a little better the opposing side, and I do see their points. I just don't think those that are calling suicide a "SELFISH" choice completely understand the pain, I know Chris doesn't. I do. I will not delve too deep into details, because right now it is both unnecessary and painful, but if there is a mama (or anyone) reading this that needs to talk or listen or ANYTHING... I'm here.

With Everett I had lighter depression period.. a little stronger than "baby blues" but nothing a little medicine couldn't help, and within a month or so it was all gone. After I had Sutton it took about two weeks for the darkness to roll in, and it was DARK. Chris was in and out of town for work, breastfeeding hurt like hell (but quitting would have hurt more in that moment), and I felt like a complete failure for being so incredibly unhappy when I had the most beautiful children sitting literally right in front of me. There were too many times I wanted to give up, but this was not the lowest my depression had been and I really did not want to let it go there... it happens fast! Satan worked me hard for close to a year and it seems like a forever long battle. I am very grateful for the doctor I had, for Chris, for my family that stepped in while Chris was away, and for my faith in Jesus Christ.

It took me a long, long time to stop being embarrassed and ashamed of my experiences. Postpartum depression is REAL and its just as serious as any other disease. There is nothing to be ashamed of, talking about it is a great way to help yourself feel better. And you never know who you may be helping in the process. There are so many hotlines for the depressed and suicidal, but I know how hard it can be to try to convince yourself to pour your heart out for a stranger.. and sometimes even harder for someone you know. It gets easier. Theres a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland on depression that soothed my soul quite a bit, Like A Broken Vessel. Knowing I wasn't alone and that someone so close to Christ realized the severity and effects of depression made me realize that Christ himself has compassion and understanding and LOVE a million times beyond that. We just have to try our best, his hand will help us along the way.

That got real churchy real fast, but this is seriously the topic that built my testimony. My struggles were harder than I thought anyone could handle, but I never would have been blessed with the life I have now if I had not gone through it all.

Wifey Diaries

I. Love. My. Husband. Like, a lot. With our anniversary coming up I've been reminiscing and thinking about lots of things. Chris started selling home security systems over the summers the year we first met and has been doing it ever since. So, through our almost three years of marriage we have moved and been apart a ton, which always causes plenty of negative comments to arise from friends, family, or anyone learning of our situation. I have heard variations of: "that's no good for a family", "that sucks" and, (of course), "that must be SO hard!". But (I'm assuming) they are only saying how hard it must be for ME.. because I have the kids. What most people don't think about is how hard it must be for Chris. He has to be away from home all alone. He doesn't get to see his kids every day, or get annoyed by their shrieks and messes, or laugh as they dance and act like animals. He loves loves loves his babies, and me. He doesn't want to leave us for weeks at a time, and when we can stay together, we do. We are doing what is necessary to provide for our family in the best way we possibly can RIGHT NOW.
Last year was a really hard year for me. I hated Chris' job because I really needed him home, but I soon realized that we wouldn't even have a home for our family had he not taken his opportunities to leave for work. A few months ago I read an article I had stumbled upon through Pinterest. Why I won't bash my husband. (Read it, seriously) It made me realize that I was complaining way more than necessary, and I stopped immediately. Being apart for any amount of time is hard, but our marriage is stronger than I ever knew it could be. Chris is my best friend. He is amazing. He is unafraid of buying  feminine hygiene products, he knows when I need a soda/energy drink to keep my sanity, and he makes me laugh more than any one else. Being apart does suck, but it's just a bump in the road on this crazy life ride.
So, please. If you don't have something POSITIVE to say, don't say anything at all. Because I may punch you in the head.

Mama Diaries

The past week has marked our one year since Suttons birth, her rush to the NICU, and her 6 day stay that broke my heart. When I gave birth to Everett, everything was so easy. I was 41 weeks and was being induced so everything was planned, my husband was by my side the entire time, and we had NO complications at all. Suttons story was much different. My water broke at 37 weeks while Chris was driving home from Louisiana.. he had to stop somewhere in New Mexico to watch the birth via FaceTime. The nurses took Sutton away from me for observation within about an hour because she was really struggling to breathe. At first they thought she just had some fluid in her lungs, the doctors had intended to just keep a close eye on her lungs in hopes they would heal themselves but the next morning (like, 3AM) a doctor came into my room to tell me it was more serious. After x-rays they saw she had a pneumothorax (a pin size hole in her lung) that was leaking air into her chest cavity which put a ton of pressure on her lungs causing the breathing struggles. They had to insert a really long needle into my poor sweet tiny baby's chest, between her ribs, to pull out some of the air and give her some relief. She was on a breathing and feeding tube for 4 days with a tube going into her lungs with some substance to help strengthen them.. and I think I got to hold her maybe five times total during those days. We were told we could be there for 2-3 weeks but with all of the many prayers said on our behalf Sutton was able to move to the transitional section of the NICU. It had a little sofa bed next to the babe so I was able to stay the night with her for the next few days. Once her temperature and feedings regulated we were able to go home.
We had so many amazing friends and family come visit us or send us well wishes, I don't even remember if we thanked every one of them properly. I'm eternally grateful for every thought and prayer we received during that rough time. I've been replaying every event over the last few days, which I'm trying to do with a positive outlook and not a depressing one (not easy!). Looking at Sutton now you would have no clue she had any issues. She is tiny, but such a firecracker. Her personality is unreal and hilarious. We are beyond blessed and grateful for her presence in our lives.