Baby Blues and Beyond

Genie, Peter Pan, and Mrs. Doubtfire... are gone. Three of the countless characters Robin Williams made us laugh with. I have read some controversial articles from either side of the depression/suicide debate. There are those that have really, really been there and can fathom the demons he might've dealt with in his final minutes/hours/days (me)... and there are those that believe suicide is a "selfish choice" and are speaking more for anyone hurting from the aftermath (Chris). Because I have struggled with depression seriously forever, I am inclined to agree with the first group. But Chris has helped me understand a little better the opposing side, and I do see their points. I just don't think those that are calling suicide a "SELFISH" choice completely understand the pain, I know Chris doesn't. I do. I will not delve too deep into details, because right now it is both unnecessary and painful, but if there is a mama (or anyone) reading this that needs to talk or listen or ANYTHING... I'm here.

With Everett I had lighter depression period.. a little stronger than "baby blues" but nothing a little medicine couldn't help, and within a month or so it was all gone. After I had Sutton it took about two weeks for the darkness to roll in, and it was DARK. Chris was in and out of town for work, breastfeeding hurt like hell (but quitting would have hurt more in that moment), and I felt like a complete failure for being so incredibly unhappy when I had the most beautiful children sitting literally right in front of me. There were too many times I wanted to give up, but this was not the lowest my depression had been and I really did not want to let it go there... it happens fast! Satan worked me hard for close to a year and it seems like a forever long battle. I am very grateful for the doctor I had, for Chris, for my family that stepped in while Chris was away, and for my faith in Jesus Christ.

It took me a long, long time to stop being embarrassed and ashamed of my experiences. Postpartum depression is REAL and its just as serious as any other disease. There is nothing to be ashamed of, talking about it is a great way to help yourself feel better. And you never know who you may be helping in the process. There are so many hotlines for the depressed and suicidal, but I know how hard it can be to try to convince yourself to pour your heart out for a stranger.. and sometimes even harder for someone you know. It gets easier. Theres a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland on depression that soothed my soul quite a bit, Like A Broken Vessel. Knowing I wasn't alone and that someone so close to Christ realized the severity and effects of depression made me realize that Christ himself has compassion and understanding and LOVE a million times beyond that. We just have to try our best, his hand will help us along the way.

That got real churchy real fast, but this is seriously the topic that built my testimony. My struggles were harder than I thought anyone could handle, but I never would have been blessed with the life I have now if I had not gone through it all.