Losing Time

Hi, it is nearing the end of 2015 and I'm back. October seems like for. eh. ver. ago, more than a year, because so much has happened for us! It is so strange and surreal to think of where we were a year ago. A year ago we were packed into a carload of stuff traveling hotel to hotel in Louisiana as Chris worked. A year ago my little Sutton had barely taken her first steps. A year ago I was stuck in a storm of negativity, fighting really hard to be happy. A lot can happen in a year. And a lot  has happened in the past year.

As a couple, and as a family, we have grown infinitely. As an individual, I have grown infinitely. I'm happy. I'm happy! Making the move to California has been one of the best decisions we have ever made. We were scared; doubling your cost of living is SCARY! But we know we won't be here forever, and we have begun to enjoy every second we can here. We laugh, and play, and go on adventures! We did these things before, in Arizona, but I think because I was struggling so hard to be happy it put a strain on all of us. I felt stuck, and like there was an ugly gray cloud always looming overhead.


Here, in California, I am learning to let go! I know I get over emotionally invested in situations and relationships very easily/quickly,  and I've begun to stop over analyzing so much. I don't need to be best friends with everyone,  I don't need to be effected by anyone else's lives, and I don't need to expect anyone to respect or consider my feelings in their decisions. I'm totally empathetic and feel all the feels vicariously, and it takes a couple deep breaths for me to mellow out and remember that not everyone thinks and sees things the way I do! And that is completely okay. Live and let live! I know that it's supposed to be a strength for me, a positive trait, I just have to figure out how to utilize it.

Baby Nostalgia

I recently made photo books with the pictures from both of my deliveries (and some after pictures), so obviously seeing my sweetest tiny babies made me yearn. It's total baby hunger... But not. I think nostalgia is a better definition of it: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations. I just miss MY babies. I want them little and yummy and unable to slap or yell at me....!

I love love love watching them grow up. Their funny personalities, crazy little tempers, and amazingly perfect faces. It's all so overwhelmingly amazing and I just want it to slow down! I can't take enough to pictures to remember the scrunchy nose face Sutton has been giving me or the goofy "shuper powerrrr" stance Everett just learned. I feel like I can't blink or they'll be grown ups!

Chris and I have yet to agree on whether there will EVER be a third Baker babe.. One day he's possibly, maybe interested in the THOUGHT of another- and that turns out to be the day I hate kids (kidding, ish). The days I mention a maaaybe future baby plan- he is so against it he just laughs. Pregnancy was very hard for me, both mentally and physically.. and postpartum is even harder. So maybe it's not in the cards, who knows. We've got time to pray and talk and make whatever decision is best for our family. Our only job right now is to enjoy our two little monsters while they're still little ☺️

Baby Blues and Beyond

Genie, Peter Pan, and Mrs. Doubtfire... are gone. Three of the countless characters Robin Williams made us laugh with. I have read some controversial articles from either side of the depression/suicide debate. There are those that have really, really been there and can fathom the demons he might've dealt with in his final minutes/hours/days (me)... and there are those that believe suicide is a "selfish choice" and are speaking more for anyone hurting from the aftermath (Chris). Because I have struggled with depression seriously forever, I am inclined to agree with the first group. But Chris has helped me understand a little better the opposing side, and I do see their points. I just don't think those that are calling suicide a "SELFISH" choice completely understand the pain, I know Chris doesn't. I do. I will not delve too deep into details, because right now it is both unnecessary and painful, but if there is a mama (or anyone) reading this that needs to talk or listen or ANYTHING... I'm here.

With Everett I had lighter depression period.. a little stronger than "baby blues" but nothing a little medicine couldn't help, and within a month or so it was all gone. After I had Sutton it took about two weeks for the darkness to roll in, and it was DARK. Chris was in and out of town for work, breastfeeding hurt like hell (but quitting would have hurt more in that moment), and I felt like a complete failure for being so incredibly unhappy when I had the most beautiful children sitting literally right in front of me. There were too many times I wanted to give up, but this was not the lowest my depression had been and I really did not want to let it go there... it happens fast! Satan worked me hard for close to a year and it seems like a forever long battle. I am very grateful for the doctor I had, for Chris, for my family that stepped in while Chris was away, and for my faith in Jesus Christ.

It took me a long, long time to stop being embarrassed and ashamed of my experiences. Postpartum depression is REAL and its just as serious as any other disease. There is nothing to be ashamed of, talking about it is a great way to help yourself feel better. And you never know who you may be helping in the process. There are so many hotlines for the depressed and suicidal, but I know how hard it can be to try to convince yourself to pour your heart out for a stranger.. and sometimes even harder for someone you know. It gets easier. Theres a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland on depression that soothed my soul quite a bit, Like A Broken Vessel. Knowing I wasn't alone and that someone so close to Christ realized the severity and effects of depression made me realize that Christ himself has compassion and understanding and LOVE a million times beyond that. We just have to try our best, his hand will help us along the way.

That got real churchy real fast, but this is seriously the topic that built my testimony. My struggles were harder than I thought anyone could handle, but I never would have been blessed with the life I have now if I had not gone through it all.