Baby Blues and Beyond

Genie, Peter Pan, and Mrs. Doubtfire... are gone. Three of the countless characters Robin Williams made us laugh with. I have read some controversial articles from either side of the depression/suicide debate. There are those that have really, really been there and can fathom the demons he might've dealt with in his final minutes/hours/days (me)... and there are those that believe suicide is a "selfish choice" and are speaking more for anyone hurting from the aftermath (Chris). Because I have struggled with depression seriously forever, I am inclined to agree with the first group. But Chris has helped me understand a little better the opposing side, and I do see their points. I just don't think those that are calling suicide a "SELFISH" choice completely understand the pain, I know Chris doesn't. I do. I will not delve too deep into details, because right now it is both unnecessary and painful, but if there is a mama (or anyone) reading this that needs to talk or listen or ANYTHING... I'm here.

With Everett I had lighter depression period.. a little stronger than "baby blues" but nothing a little medicine couldn't help, and within a month or so it was all gone. After I had Sutton it took about two weeks for the darkness to roll in, and it was DARK. Chris was in and out of town for work, breastfeeding hurt like hell (but quitting would have hurt more in that moment), and I felt like a complete failure for being so incredibly unhappy when I had the most beautiful children sitting literally right in front of me. There were too many times I wanted to give up, but this was not the lowest my depression had been and I really did not want to let it go there... it happens fast! Satan worked me hard for close to a year and it seems like a forever long battle. I am very grateful for the doctor I had, for Chris, for my family that stepped in while Chris was away, and for my faith in Jesus Christ.

It took me a long, long time to stop being embarrassed and ashamed of my experiences. Postpartum depression is REAL and its just as serious as any other disease. There is nothing to be ashamed of, talking about it is a great way to help yourself feel better. And you never know who you may be helping in the process. There are so many hotlines for the depressed and suicidal, but I know how hard it can be to try to convince yourself to pour your heart out for a stranger.. and sometimes even harder for someone you know. It gets easier. Theres a talk by Jeffrey R. Holland on depression that soothed my soul quite a bit, Like A Broken Vessel. Knowing I wasn't alone and that someone so close to Christ realized the severity and effects of depression made me realize that Christ himself has compassion and understanding and LOVE a million times beyond that. We just have to try our best, his hand will help us along the way.

That got real churchy real fast, but this is seriously the topic that built my testimony. My struggles were harder than I thought anyone could handle, but I never would have been blessed with the life I have now if I had not gone through it all.

Wifey Diaries

I. Love. My. Husband. Like, a lot. With our anniversary coming up I've been reminiscing and thinking about lots of things. Chris started selling home security systems over the summers the year we first met and has been doing it ever since. So, through our almost three years of marriage we have moved and been apart a ton, which always causes plenty of negative comments to arise from friends, family, or anyone learning of our situation. I have heard variations of: "that's no good for a family", "that sucks" and, (of course), "that must be SO hard!". But (I'm assuming) they are only saying how hard it must be for ME.. because I have the kids. What most people don't think about is how hard it must be for Chris. He has to be away from home all alone. He doesn't get to see his kids every day, or get annoyed by their shrieks and messes, or laugh as they dance and act like animals. He loves loves loves his babies, and me. He doesn't want to leave us for weeks at a time, and when we can stay together, we do. We are doing what is necessary to provide for our family in the best way we possibly can RIGHT NOW.
Last year was a really hard year for me. I hated Chris' job because I really needed him home, but I soon realized that we wouldn't even have a home for our family had he not taken his opportunities to leave for work. A few months ago I read an article I had stumbled upon through Pinterest. Why I won't bash my husband. (Read it, seriously) It made me realize that I was complaining way more than necessary, and I stopped immediately. Being apart for any amount of time is hard, but our marriage is stronger than I ever knew it could be. Chris is my best friend. He is amazing. He is unafraid of buying  feminine hygiene products, he knows when I need a soda/energy drink to keep my sanity, and he makes me laugh more than any one else. Being apart does suck, but it's just a bump in the road on this crazy life ride.
So, please. If you don't have something POSITIVE to say, don't say anything at all. Because I may punch you in the head.

Mama Diaries

The past week has marked our one year since Suttons birth, her rush to the NICU, and her 6 day stay that broke my heart. When I gave birth to Everett, everything was so easy. I was 41 weeks and was being induced so everything was planned, my husband was by my side the entire time, and we had NO complications at all. Suttons story was much different. My water broke at 37 weeks while Chris was driving home from Louisiana.. he had to stop somewhere in New Mexico to watch the birth via FaceTime. The nurses took Sutton away from me for observation within about an hour because she was really struggling to breathe. At first they thought she just had some fluid in her lungs, the doctors had intended to just keep a close eye on her lungs in hopes they would heal themselves but the next morning (like, 3AM) a doctor came into my room to tell me it was more serious. After x-rays they saw she had a pneumothorax (a pin size hole in her lung) that was leaking air into her chest cavity which put a ton of pressure on her lungs causing the breathing struggles. They had to insert a really long needle into my poor sweet tiny baby's chest, between her ribs, to pull out some of the air and give her some relief. She was on a breathing and feeding tube for 4 days with a tube going into her lungs with some substance to help strengthen them.. and I think I got to hold her maybe five times total during those days. We were told we could be there for 2-3 weeks but with all of the many prayers said on our behalf Sutton was able to move to the transitional section of the NICU. It had a little sofa bed next to the babe so I was able to stay the night with her for the next few days. Once her temperature and feedings regulated we were able to go home.
We had so many amazing friends and family come visit us or send us well wishes, I don't even remember if we thanked every one of them properly. I'm eternally grateful for every thought and prayer we received during that rough time. I've been replaying every event over the last few days, which I'm trying to do with a positive outlook and not a depressing one (not easy!). Looking at Sutton now you would have no clue she had any issues. She is tiny, but such a firecracker. Her personality is unreal and hilarious. We are beyond blessed and grateful for her presence in our lives.